NUMB

i feel somewhat numb
Maybe its the combination of pills and alcohol
maybe i can just no longer feel
feel the pain
feel the suffering
feel the open wounds
i feel numb.
im spinning
but my heads flat on the pillow
my mind is racing
but
im dead to the world
im breathing
but
im not alive.
i feel somewhat numb.
the world is crazy
the world is frightening
its not safe
not safe for anyone
we’re all trapped
trapped in this world of depression
and anger
and pain.
we suffer
we suffer but we carry on.
who knows what tomorrow will bring.
maybe there will be sunshine?
maybe there will be hope?maybe, i’ll be stronger.
i’ll be wiser.
maybe i’ll be free.
maybe i wont feel numb
do i want to be numb?
im not sure.
because sometimes i need to feel the pain.
but sometimes,
i cant bare it.
but for today,
i feel numb.
im not here,nor there. im everywhere. but
somewhat nowhere.
i feel numb.

The Tears Never Stop

the tears never stop
The tears never stop.
When i’m around them.
When i’m near them.
When they talk to me,
Yell at me,
Belittle me,
De grade me,
The tears never stop.
They hurt me,
Tease me,
Disrespect me,
Disturb me.
The tears never stop.
They don’t support me,
They don’t understand me,
They have no clue what’s going on,
They have no clue what i’m feeling,
They have no clue.
The tears never stop.
These people are the ones who are meant to, support me, understand me, help me. Yet they do the opposite and find every way to bring me down.
These people are my family.
The tears never,
Ever
Stop.

Survival

Survival
the smell of stale cigarettes,
The fear of knives and food around me,
My rapid heart rate pulpitating faster and faster,
My pupils dilated by the sight of laxatives and pills,
The thought of purging every time i walk into the bathroom,
The ashtray full of cigarettes hiding the fear and temptation to go back to the old coping mechanisms,
My heart rate speeding faster and faster,
The lighter in my hand,
The cigarette in my mouth,
The flame easing my nerves as i light the cigarette and inhale the smoke into my lungs,
The sweet sensation of survival and enough strength to not go down the old road,
My mind eases as i puff the cigarette,
My body is no longer trembling,
i begin to relax…
The feeling of freedom and tranquility.
i’ve survived the temptations for today

Rage

Rage
Head pounding,
Body throbbing,
Rage runs through you,
Like when you steal a dogs bone,
The anger
And frustration
No control,
Your mind has no self control,
Mental reactions,
Physical reactions,
Everything is fuming with flames and steam,
No other emotion except for rage,anger,frustration,
You want to kill,
You want to make those lives a misery,
You want them to feel that pain,
Take your anger out on them,
Make them suffer!

Pain

Pain
The pain I feel,
The pain I go through,
This pain, is
Killing me
This pain,
It hurts,
I can’t handle this pain…
Help me overcome this…
Help me rid this pain…

Pain..
Glossy eyes,
a tear then drops down your cheek,
Then more tears,
More thoughts,
More tears,
Trying to hold it back,
A clenched up throat,
A silent scream…
A yelp into your pillow,
Legs crossed,
On the edge of your bed,
More tears and more pain…
And when it finally stops
Your eyes are red,
Face is puffy,
Left with a headache, in your eyes…
You still feel the same way you did, before the glossy eyes…
Pain…
It just never goes away…
The pain…

My love

My love
You walked into my life,
You gripped me,
First conversation and i was hooked,
Like a drug,
i crave you,
i need you,
i feel you,
i taste you,
i embrace you,
Feel the touch of your skin against mine,
We’re one.
You touch me,
i grip you,
You hold me,
i feel you.
My heart races,
My skin goes cold,
My lips long for yours,
My hands intertwined with yours,
Your body fits perfectly against mine,
We’re one.
The sensation you bring to me,
My body tingles,
My head is dizzy,
i’m spiraling out of control,
My eyes close and embrace your touch,
Sweet dreams,
Its all real.
Like a never ending dream of
Love,
Passion
And
Most of all
Happiness.
We’re one,
Your lips caress my skin,
Its more than i can handle,
i’m out of control,
i’m in love,
Madly in love,
i love you

Alone, Past Poem

Alone
i feel completely alone.
But i think i like being alone.
Shut myself off from the world.
Live in solitude.
Be alone.
Alone within myself.
Completely and utterly alone.
i enjoy being alone.
Know one to annoy me.
Know one to judge me.
Know one to think of anything to do with me.
Just me, myself and i.
i’d much rather be alone.
i’d like to be left alone.
Even when i’m with others, i am alone.
i will always be alone.
Always.
Always.
Forever
Alone.

i survived.

Art portrait
You are a monster,
My monster,
My enemy,
My dark side,
My devil inside.

You take over me,
Loss of control,
Loss of sense,
You have taken over my mind,
Body and spirit.

You destroyed my body,
You destroyed my mind,
You destroyed me.

To overcome the temptations,
The fear that seduces me into the old ways,
Temptations,
Every day is a new day,
The same struggles,
The same thoughts,
But for today,
i survived.

Do you ever cry like i cry?

Do you ever cry like I cry?
Have you ever cried because you’re always crying….
Have you ever cried because its all you do…
Have you ever cried because you can’t smile…
Have you ever cried because…well you just crave happiness
Have you ever cried because crying is…..its all you actually have
Do you ever wonder why,
why you are always crying…
Do you ever wonder if you’re the only one who ever cries
the way you cry…
Or °̩s it just me…
Just me who cries,
Day and night,
Whether its inside or tears on the outside…
In the end…
You know
Its just
Killing you
Slowly
Day
By
Day….
Have you ever cried like °̩ cry…

i must be lucky, it must be love

I must be lucky, it must be love
We’ve been together for quite some time,
Months on end with pure
Love and happiness.

i must be lucky,
It must be love.

Ɣou’ve been there for me,
Held me,
Comforted me,
Thrilled me,
Loved me.

Ɣou’ve seen my scars,
Ɣou’ve seen my tears,
Ɣou’ve seen me sad.
Ɣou’ve seen me smile,
Ɣou’ve seen me happy,
Even if its for a little while,

i must be lucky,
It must be love.

You still love me,
Through all of the bad.

You caress me,
You love me.
You kiss me,
You keep me.

You have never ceased to not show your love for me,
in everything you do.

i must be lucky,
It must be love.

When i’m not with you,
Its pure heart ache.
i miss you,
i miss everything you do.
But…
When i am with you,
Its pure happiness,
Pure joy,
Genuine laughs
And genuine smiles.

i must be lucky,
It must be love.

Please stay,
i promise to be the best i can be,
i promise you till the ends of the earth that i will love you forever.

i love you,
Forever,
And always.
Never ever forget the amount of love i have for you.

Infinite amounts.

i must be lucky,
It must be love.